This Is Not Quite What I Expected

Unrealistic Expectations
Young people usually enter into marriage with very distict ideas about what the marriage will be and what roles each spouse will play in the marriage. Soon after the honeymoon this youthful idealism begins to give way to the realities of married life. To remain emotionally married couples must learn to evaluate and sometimes modify these expectations.

I. Expectations of Marriage
     A. Love is Romance
      1. Agape: A decision to bless
             a. Not unconditional acceptance of sinful behavior
             b.Stands against behavior that is immoral, inethical,illegal, or hurtful.
      2.Phileo:friendship-emotional closeness (this can be recreated)(Emotional estrangement WILL happen, its a red flag but it can be stopped) Phileo is like a thermometer for the marriage.) Get back to the basics
      3.Eros:Romance (get out of the romatic idea given by entertainment and media)
      4.Epithumia:Strong desire- for physical, for sex, an act from the heart. (if they are emotionally estranged then they dont want sex) (for some a sexual fulfilment can be a walk in the park, or even doing a puzzle together)

     B." All my needs will be met"
        God would not create a relationship that would compete with our relationship with Him

     C." Having sex equals sexual fulfillment"
      1.Age affecs hormone level. ( again it can be just time alone together, holding each other. ) Some have an obligation to give love, and not demand it*necessary* (Cant always match the passion of the spouse)
      2. Habituation: we become used to the stimuli ( sights, sounds, etc.) that are often available to us.
      3.  Difference in having sex & making love
        Solution: Slowly exploring the others body ( think and read song of solomon with spouse) ( they seek to please above seeking to be pleased)

     D. "Financial Matters will never be a problem"
      1. Prevent debt
             a. Lack of contentment and wanting more
             b. Desire for security- bigger house, better car etc.
             c. Search for significance- to feel important.
    
      2. Avoid conflict
             a. Provide accountability
             b. Negotiate purchases- what do we need or want
             c. Establish a budget together

      3. Establish Good habits
             a. Delay gratification
             b. Avoid self medicating- ( buying that coffee you dont need, eating that piece of cake, etc.)
             c. beware of installment debpt -credit card
             d. refuse to co-sign

      4. Plan for future.
             a.house
             b.car
             c.vacation
             d.retirement-401k,annuities
             e emergency fund

II. Expectations of the Spouse
       A. My spouse will always look and act the way he/she does now
       B My spouse should always agree with me
       C. My spouse is acting a certain way therefore I know what he/she is thinking ( give the benefit of the dount)
III. Flexibility
        - MODIFY EXPECTATIONS!
  Only thing I can control in life is how I respond to life circumstances


Things I thought were important

There needs to be 30 minutes of Face time, no tv, no kid talk. Just you.

Love me the way I never was loved and treat me the way i should have been

unmet expectations -core    ------
1. Disappointment in myself.
2. Cant control situation.
3. can not be perfect
4. it/i will never be good enough

NOT POOR ME FOR BEING IN THE SITUATION BUT GRATITUDE FOR WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN IT! and look through the event, not at it.....

Please Listen to me part 2.

The inability to deal contructively with anger is a major barrier in communication. Determining the source of anger is essential in learning to process it. Learning to "listen" to what lies beneath the words is also crucial if good conflict resolution is to be developed. Full of energy and common sense, this presentation is guarenteed to help you see yourself and those around you more realistically.

III. Communication Builders
     A.Handling Anger
      "Anger is a secondary emotion and is the result of an un met expectation" "The primary emotions underlying anger are fear, frustration, and hurt."
         
               Faces of anger
      1.Venting:"Releasing anger toward people or objects"
      2.Supress:"Acknowledgeing anger (the unmet expectation)and choosing not to act upon it."
      3.Repress:"Inability to acknowledge anger"
      4.Process
         a.Identify unmet expectation(s)"
         b."Does this expectation involve something that is inethical, illegal, immoral, or hurtful."
         c."if answer is yes and the behavior is ongoing, speak to those involved and develop a plan of action to correct the situation."
         d.if the answer is no then MODIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!
It is what it is, and it is what we will make it.

IV. Develop a Good Conflict Resolution Model- Double V
     A. Negotiating differences
         ." I have a problem so we have a problem
         . " When where and how"
         . "Whose turn is it to talk and whose to listen"
         . What IS  the problem
         . I have an Idea: how about this

The is the Double V Model that for some reason wont come up bigger but it has helped Dave and I communicate so much better!

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Marriage Matter- A National Marriage Conference.

Dave and I went to a conference by Jerry and Lynn Jones sep 12-14. It was amazing to say the least. I learned more about myself then i ever thought imaginable and i got a great refreshing dose of communication. We Missed Everything on Sunday night so i am jumping into what was talked about monday night. ( Dave was the writer. however he is not a note taker so a lot there is there is well not easy to understand if you can at all

Not right, Not wrong, Just different!

Please Listen to Me- Part 1

I. Foundation for Good Communication
     A. Servant Heart
     B. Godly
     C. Emotional Intimacy

II. Communication Barriers
     A.
       'My mental glasses'
       1. Chronological age
       2. Life Experiences-(in past influence what i do in relationships, cause hiccups)
       3. Domains of Temperment-(sadly i realized i am all these things...)
       (affect the WAY we make choices)
         .harm avoidance(anxious,pessimistic vs. outgoing, optimistic)
         .novelty seeking(impulsive, quick tempered vs. rigid, slow tempered)
         .reward dependencewarm,approval seeking vs. cool, aloof)
         .persistence(persevereing, ambitious vs. easily discourages, under acheiving)
      4. Dimensions of character
          (affect the choices we make)
         .cooperativeness (tolerant,helpful vs. prejudiced, revengeful)
         .self-directedness(reliable,purposeful vs. blaming,revengeful)
         .self-transcendence(self-forgetful,spiritual vs. self-concious, materialistic)
       5.Physical Health

     B.Schemata
         Mental maps that guide thought and behavior
     C.Ego Defences
         .helpful-allow us time to adjust to life events
         .destructive-keep us from acknowledging sin or interfere with relationships
         1.Denial -"refusig to admit there is a problem or accept responsability for ones attitude or actions"
        2.Withdrawl-" removing oneself mentally or physically from the anxiety producing situation"
        3.Displacement- " percieving a less threatening person or object as the source of ones problems or difficulties"
       4. projection-" attributing ones unacceptable attitudes or actions to others"
       5.regression -"reverting to behavior that was characteristic of more secre time"
       6. rationalization-" blaming other people of situation for the difficulties that one is experiencing, usually done in a socially acceptable or self serving manner"
     D. Defend agains the defences
         1. Admit  them
         2.Identify them
         3.Work around them


Just some phrases i picked up as well.

Words are remembered more than physical pain

Dont laugh when kids get stressed out- at the age of 4 the things that stresses them out seem like no big deal to us but we need to acknowledge that it is a big deal to them

We take far too much credit and blame for how our children turn out

Characteristics are enduring. We are born with them and we die with them. But we dont change them.

The more emotional and spiritual fragile the less you are likely to see reality

" Its not an argument its a moment of intense fellowship)

I hope this is good and helpful to some of you. there is much much more to come and i am excited to share this all. I learned so so much!!!